I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
