Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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