Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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