I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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