just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
