I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
