I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
