My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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