Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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