I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
