I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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