I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
