operation harelip BJ is a go
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
