sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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