Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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