Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The best revenge is premature balding
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
