Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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