We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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