If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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