OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
