I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
