i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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