I cannot find my penis.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
