My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
