just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
