Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
my poor anus
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
