okay pat passed out under dana's car
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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