I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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