I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
