i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
