I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
