i would punch a child for taco bell
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
