Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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