That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So vagazzling was a success
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
