So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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