You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
