I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
