when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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