I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
