Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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