all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
