A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
