We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
