im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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