true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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