just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
