where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
