she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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