The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
