After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
