i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
