if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
